Irony is ironic. Weird.
In May of this year, I paced around my classroom anxiously administering state mandated testing to my 6th grade kiddos. With every glance at those little tiny bubbles I could feel an ever increasing need for blood pressure medication. My thoughts would race to moments of teaching failures throughout the year and I’d sigh. I’d look at the little faces filling in those bubbles, watch them look at my face for any sign of approval, and I’d sigh again. Their sweet faces would remind me of my own three babies and I’d think of how I was going to manage to leave work, pull into daycare on two wheels and practically jog into the building just to kiss those sweet cheeks I’d missed all day. *More sighing* I knew I was just going to rush them out the door, drive to fast to get home just so I could yell at them to get homework done, eat, bath and go to BED ALREADY. Bed already?! Yes, I knew, standing there in my classroom that my night at home would be miserable and I would be counting down the minutes until it was bedtime, already. And I cringed because I HATED that about myself. This time my sighs almost turned to tears. I refocused myself, continued monitoring those precious babies in my classroom (don’t go getting yourself all offended, no testing infractions could have possibly incurred during my train wreck of thoughts. All of those thoughts happened in about 30 seconds, thanks to my little helper, ADHD) It was in those moments of disparaging thoughts that I reached a breaking point. I grabbed my big yellow legal pad off my desk and the words just flowed. They were effortless, perhaps because they’d been hushed and pushed down for so long. I penned this poem called, “The SomeWhere In Betweens” and pondered on it for days. Ultimately, it would be the driving force behind my desire to quit my teaching job to be a full time mom and wife. So now, no judgment allowed, here is a look into what my heart felt but couldn’t articulate until that day.
The Somewhere In Between
I live in the hallelujahs, the sighs and the somewhere in-betweens,
where love always lives and can be felt,
but occasionally isn’t seen.
Where the praises and the struggles
are whispered in the same breath.
Where we are raising three little ones
and it scares us to death.
I live in-between the
“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU SPILLED JUICE ON THE CARPET
FOR THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK!”
and the “I’m going to kiss you all over,
you’ve got sugars dripping off of your cheeks!”
My mind is in a dead sprint
of ‘rush, rush, rush, we’ve got to be fast,’
but my heart says, ‘slow down..make these moments last.’
I live with self-inflicted noise
that can only be drowned out with prayer,
to my God who never leaves me and is always right there.
I cry out to him in whispers, tears and groans,
he is my faithful rock, never leaving me alone.
Without fail he calms my often tormented spirit,
and gently reminds me his voice can be heard
when I’m still enough to hear it.
Give me courage Lord to walk away
from the expectations of this life,
and be a Godly mother and an ever present wife.
I live in the
the sighs and the somewhere in-betweens,
where I thank God he is my deliverance
and the rock upon which I lean.
And so, here I am. I quit my job and I am a full time mom and wife. And let me just say, wow. It’s alot. Like really. I never even knew how hard it was because I was only doing it half way and in zombie mode. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still failing miserably most days but I’m trying. And the thing is, and where the irony comes in, is that I still feel like I’m living in the in-between. In between moments of quiet desperation where I want to curl up in the fetal position and silently cry myself to sleep and moments of immeasurable joy because I can be 100% present for those who love and need me most. I imagined that my sweet husband would never have to search for matching socks on Sunday morning anymore, that my children would have behavior rivaling that of Jane and Michael Banks, post Mary Poppins and that I would finally get the rock hard body that I always wanted (okay, even I laughed out loud at that one). The truth is, everyday is still a struggle. Laundry doesn’t always get done, I have worn the same sweatshirt and jeans for like two weeks in a row and my poor husband doesn’t even ask about socks anymore. But I love this new place I’m in and I give thanks to God for allowing me this life filled with lots of in-betweens. I hope you’ll join me as I attempt, albeit humbly, to uplift you and your family as I blog all our little in-betweens.
Our family verse for this school year:
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengthen me.